Tags
AA, Alcoholics Anonymous, big book, character defect, corrective measures, false beliefs, feelings, letting go, old ideas, step 10, thought life, thoughts
“The first thing apparent was that this world and its people were often quite wrong.” Big book p66
Unfortunately this includes me too! I have to digest the unpalatable truth that often I have been quite wrong – I have clung onto my false beliefs, irrespective of the amount of pain they cause me, because I mistakenly think they define who I am and that they can’t be changed. To avoid stagnation, however, my false beliefs need to be challenged, dismantled and reversed. I need to abandon my “old ideas” /lifelong (mis)conceptions, recognize my software malfunction and express my new beliefs in everything I do. This for me is still very much a work in progress and requires much practice ( prayer, meditation) and guidance (from my sponsor and Higher Power).
Some examples of my false beliefs:
Someone is a bad person based on one wrong doing – they can be condemned / discredited entirely on this basis, myself included. I erroneously assign worth based on external behaviour/ thoughts / actions / defects, and one ‘error’ = worthlessness. What ‘logically’ follows from this is that I am unlovable if I do something wrong, and you are unlovable if you do something wrong. This is a resistance and rejection of the truth that as human beings we are flawed and mistakes are inevitable. Corrective belief: We are all of the same inherent worth and value.
Other people’s opinions define my value. I need people to like me/ love me/ look up to me, otherwise I am worthless. What I need to realise is that pride – the ‘need’ of approval of others – is a vile and worthless drug. Even if I get this approval, what do I do with it? It is effectively useless in itself. It serves only to gratify my ego, a temporary and unstable antidote to the ‘hole’ inside of me. Corrective belief: What I am and what I am worth are unaffected by good or bad opinion.
My beliefs, thinking and attitudes cannot change. This is a somewhat absurd assertion, considering that I now have concrete evidence of the contrary. I believed with every fibre of my being that alcohol and drugs were the solution to my problems. I believed in the absence of God. I believed self-harming was a valid coping mechanism, a highly effective way to manage my feelings of disappointment, frustration and rage. I believed I was always right and you were always wrong. I believed my problems were of your making. I believed I would always feel empty… Five and a half years on I no longer hold these beliefs. My thinking has been transformed, implying more transformations are possible. Corrective belief: My beliefs, thinking and attitudes CAN be changed.
I am not responsible for my thoughts, feelings, actions and internal life. This has been a big one for me as it has essentially meant I have been slow – or avoidant – in making amends. I have always blamed my harmful behaviour on my depressive episodes, my feelings of rage, that swirling vortex of pain, all of which I claimed were out of my control. The truth I am learning now is that I am in fact responsible for my insides, as well as my behaviour. Corrective belief: I can choose what to think.
If you think differently to me, you are attacking me. Embarrassingly, this is essentially arrogance: insisting that others conform to our wishes, recognize our leadership, accept our own estimate of our worth. Being overbearing, argumentative, opinionated, obstinate (definition from St. Augustine’s Prayer Book). I can’t play God and rely on God at the same time, whereby “playing God” is scripting the universe and monitoring it for compliance. Corrective measure: Humility – recognise my thoughts are essentially worthless and differences in opinion are inevitable.
The darkness and misery are real. This really relates again to believing my thoughts/ allowing my thoughts to have power over me, and being convinced that all intrusive negative thoughts represent reality whilst happiness, joy and love are illusions. The truth is that when I am deeply neurotic and unhappy I am living in fiction. Corrective belief: Love. Life. Truth. Intelligence = Reality. Be an observer, not a participant, in my thoughts.
grahammark15 said:
Reblogged this on markgraham61 and commented:
thanks
violet260709 said:
You’re welcome!