Something I have consistently struggled with in sobriety is the ability to make a decision, particularly one which involves an inevitable change in life course. I have typically spent weeks, sometimes months, vacillating between two possible alternatives, constantly questioning and withdrawing, cemented in indecision and in excruciating pain.
What I have learned, in addition to prayer and meditation, is to use the evidence available. Weigh up the pros and cons and know that there are no 100% guarantees. Only experience will teach me whether in fact I have made a ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ decision, not endless speculation. Spending hours and hours and hours in my head, mentally playing out worst case scenarios, is just futile and painful.
If I am scared of failure, which is nearly always the case, I must summon COURAGE and not allow that fear to keep me paralysed, cowering in the corner. Failure is part of the deal. Full stop. An inevitability as a human being, and I have to accept that and get on with it. To play the game I have to be prepared to take risks, otherwise I may as well opt out right now.
Failures, repeated failures, are finger posts on the road to achievement. One fails forward toward success. C.S. Lewis
I must realise that my fear is just a delusion, rooted in my identification with the material world. CHALLENGE that delusion. My material world can be threatened, I cannot. I am not the characters I play. My value is infinite and changeless, not dependent on external things.
If I am concerned that a decision has been made out of ego – the desire for money, property, prestige etc – I need not be too concerned if the decision itself has intrinsic value. The true absence of ego is impossible. My ego may well piggyback on a ‘good’ decision, contaminating it to some extent, but it doesn’t turn a good decision into a bad one. For example, with amends, one might excuse doing it on the basis that it feels good – I feel self-satisfied, my ego gets a massage, therefore amends = ‘bad’/selfish. The whole process is polluted and I somehow become justified in my avoidance. What I must understand is that “it is possible for a good action to have a selfish aim, too. That does not invalidate the good action. The fact we will benefit is irrelevant.” first164.blogspot.co.uk http://ow.ly/RrXvq
Don’t just walk through fear. Eliminate it. “Fears are the termites that ceaselessly devour the foundations of whatever sort of life we try to build.” Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions. Pick a path using sound reasoning and stick to my decision. Take the next right action to implement my decision and let go of the results, knowing that any mistakes along the way are just signposts for limitless growth.