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Most people’s normal state is unconscious, constantly “identified with thoughts and processes, reactions, desires and aversions”. Power of Now – Eckhart Tolle

In this mode I am a slave – a victim of my egoic mind – bound by the ankle, attached to a 4×4 and dragged flailing down a dirt track. I become fixated by what I want and how I think things should be, thus creating an underlying resistance to what is. This manifests as a low buzz, a “background static”, of restlessness, irritability and discontent. Sound familiar? I cause my own unhappiness – “inner psychic pollution” – by creating this perpetual state of dissatisfaction. When things “go wrong”, aka the ego is threatened (I am afraid of not getting what I want, or I experience real or imagined loss of something external I treasure), resistance increases, this state of unease intensifies, pain multiplies and I am left incapacitated. My only escape (in the past) was drink/drugs and self harm. My addictions silenced the noise momentarily and I felt free, however, short term reprieve only served to intensify my long term pain.

Today I practise a 12 step program and attempt to be vigilant around my thoughts and actions, aim to be an observer not a participant in my thoughts, and try to treat others as I would like to be treated. In the face of a challenge, however, I am often still drawn into my egoic mind and I suffer – a self-destructive habit I previously believed was unavoidable. Anger and depression can become a comfort blanket: familiar and easy – habit – but excruciating. This, I am now convinced, can change with time and practice, learning to disassociate from my ego’s demands and recognise my fears as almost comedic constructs of the egoic mind.

Utilising these techniques and bringing more consciousness into ordinary situations creates a protective barrier through which negativity and discord cannot pass (Eckhart Tolle). Habitual resistance to reality will still persist (“dis-ease”, discontent, judgement, mental projection) but with practise these can be minimised and I will learn to deal with my “problems” in a very different, much less painful way.

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