Something I seem to struggle to let go of is this illusion that things keep getting “better” if I keep working at them. I erroneously believed and desperately hoped that life after completion of the twelve steps would be pain-free. In my head, being “well” meant being happy ALL the time, and I thought with each step I took I was approaching a plateaued state of euphoria. Obviously, I was seriously deluded. I was seeking euphoric perfection in sobriety, the same way I sought it via drugs and alcohol. For me, the frustration I can still feel as a result of life failing to deliver (my expectations) is sometimes very hard to bare. I have to let go of the struggle and let go of the illusion, have that truly blank canvas of a mind I pray for, if I am to have any peace.
My delay in writing has largely been due to this. I so desperately want only to write positive and uplifting content and ignore my struggles, but I guess to do so would be to deny who I am, and I am supposed to be embracing all that I am.
I will get to those struggles, but for today I just wanted to share something that made me laugh and made me grateful.
Dionysus was the ancient Greek god of wine. “His reported behaviour, which ranged unpredictably from sentimental to savage, confirms the diagnosis (that he was a classic alcoholic).”* This made me laugh because it is quite possibly the most accurate description of my old self I have ever read! And it made me grateful, because I am no longer like that. I have my ups I have my downs. I have phases of thinking I am well and then boom! I’m back in my armchair with a blanket, movie marathon and only my solitude for comfort. But the difference is now I know it will pass. And the volatile, ferocious beast is gone (well, unconscious – never definitely gone).
* Quote from The Spirituality of Imperfection – Ernest Kurtz and Katherine Ketcham