Although I whole-heartedly embrace and encourage the concept of self-love and self-acceptance, this is something I apparently still struggle with! I know I am a million miles from the girl who spent years hating herself, feeling truly worthless and incapable of looking in a mirror without recoiling, and for this I am deeply grateful. My self-esteem is incomparable to what it used to be – that feeling of uselessness and self-pity did disappear. I have confidence in my abilities and am not afraid to pursue new ideas, whereas in the past I was paralysed by fear into inactivity. Procrastination has been replaced by inspiration.
However, the outcome of a mini step 5 yesterday revealed so much more! Self-acceptance is still a very big and painful problem for me, and it is my “defects” that I have trouble accepting. I am so disgusted by them that I pretend they are not there. Hypocrisy, jealousy, insecurity, judgemental-ness and perfectionism therefore all simmer seductively under the surface, and I struggle to truly love myself.
So…my goal is to try and learn to love these fabulous flaws, until they are removed! I’m going to utilise this blog to explore and understand them, and maybe in the process help anyone else “suffering” from these same afflictions 😉
The dead girl inside of me is how I perceive my alcoholic self. She is an indispensable reminder of who I used to be and a motivator of change. If I don’t love her as well, she starts to throb and before I know it she might wake.