Today was a hard day which had me reaching deep inside my AA tool box. Trial shift  in a fairly dull but busy cafe. I prayed for my usual: an open mind and freedom from expectation. I didn’t feel any fear prior to the shift. I trusted that if they didn’t want me, there was a reason. What I hadn’t anticipated as a possibility would be that I didn’t want them! I got the job… I just don’t want it.

The manager was a prick. His face didn’t break, not a smile in 4 hours, not a please nor a thank you from his lips. Any initiative on my part was punished with an order to do the opposite, and then thirty seconds later a retraction and an order to do the thing I was originally doing. His general demeanour was hostile and he made me very uncomfortable. Several repetitions of the serenity prayer, some deep breaths and some serious restraint of my (previously toxic) tongue got me through. I easily concluded the job was not for me, although solidifying assertions such as these is where I struggle – having the courage to follow through decisions without guilt. I expect myself to put up with shit, rather than walk away when someone crosses a boundary. Self-love/ protecting myself still feels foreign I guess.

I know when I make the right decision though when I realise my sobriety is threatened. On the walk home this afternoon I really wanted a drink. Not in a scary, all body consuming kind of way. Just as a fleeting antidote to how I was feeling as a result of my boundaries being crossed. The thought was there, I didn’t act on it, it passed. The whole time mentally reiterating “my sobriety comes first”. Any job, potential or current, any person, any thing, any situation that jepoardises my sobriety…. just not worth it. Sobriety first, everything else will follow.

What comes out of today I do not know. It did, however, give me a kick up the arse and make me realise just how fragile I am. Don’t get complacent.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yZoFw-7ohJo

Close your eyes. Let this song wrap you up when things get rough xx

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