Sometimes I really wish the rays of recovery sunshine would shine brightly all the time… but as I’ve learned, wishing anything to be different from reality is just a futile and painful exercise. At the moment, I am struggling a little bit to dissolve the membrane between reality and expectation. This discrepancy – between what I want and what is – is the source of most of my discomfort.
What I want for myself is productivity – ‘proof’ that I have achieved things. I want to become a volunteer mentor, working with young offenders. I want to write stories. I want a job in a cafe which doesn’t serve alcohol. I want my nightmares to stop. I want to truly accept reality for the way it is, and accept people for the way they are (not how I think they should be). At the moment, none of these things are materialising. I’m certain there is a lesson in here somewhere, although it feels like its still hidden. Doing the footwork is essential and I can honestly say I am trying my best – AA meetings to stabilise my thinking, to balance me; application forms in the post; trial shift set up. This morning I also picked up the phone to talk to someone after my nightmare, to bring me back to reality. Reality – that elusive place I struggle to inhabit, away from imagination, delusion and fear. The sun ain’t shining today, but I am grateful that I have a meeting to go to, which in this city are usually attended by many newcomers. Maybe that’s my lesson…. keep it simple, keep it in the day, remember where I came from and be hugely grateful that my life is not like that today.
“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them – that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like” Lao Tzu